my diaries 1

"i always thought about the positive attitude of a man , to inspire others relentlessly and make them achieve goals , that would have been a better deal , its a good thing too. It is a very natural process in friendships , i use to help my friends and my friends helped me. i never used to expose my writing , the reason was my fear itself. so when it became a part of life , when i started posting i got more criticism than good reviews , about the length , waste of time etc. but still i had more matters to stick to writing than achieving somebody's certificate. and i thought why not i bring this positive attitude to my stories , kind of that which starts with " once upon a time.....and end by giving a poetic message." , then i thought in history we can see so much of authors and master piece work which give expressions of sorrow , grieve , thrill etc. i think answer was within me , but it is complicated , if i had a very positive attitude , i would have been a motivational speaker by the way i was progressing and i would have made my blog a inspirational one. it would have been pretty cool , even to think about it. but it wont be me , i would not have become a writer , ( i know am not , but better classify me so else you should sponsor a new word to English) and i still remember it all started with pain , the letters were my inked tears even it may convey goodness , or a smile ...it is created by the very negative emotion i duel every day in my mind. there were time i used to write for likes , but no more , if i deserve something , i will get that later or sooner. i dont believe we are here for a reason , we can believe so but it cant be true , there are children who die without nutrition , and dont tell me their reason here is to die. that is not a reason at all. so we define our cause , reason and our legend. when we equalize it with mass , sensation , materialism , money and coin its en richness as success , then it will be a illusion. so the point is live your life for yourselves , you will regret when we live for others , to prove others or when we live in the thought of being looked by people around us when we become so called "successful " , then you are successfully slaves of others."
a page from my old diary , when i wrote this i was crying i remember , and its still in diary the ink that spread like an oil paint when tears fell on them. i never read what i write , and its funny to look at it , what we say , write and do at times of pain , harassment etc , its desperate attempt to prove ourselves , to give a little push.